A Defining Moment For Me Was When I Suddenly Realized That My Youth Was Lost & Gone Forever
Posted: Sunday, September 25, 2011
by Fran Larson
http://www.franniesquotes.com/
Where did the time go? Yesterday, I was a girl, and today, I suddenly find myself in the autumn of my years with the cold winds of winter breathing down my neck. ~Peggy Toney Horton
Like the skin horse told the rabbit about ageing and becoming real, he said: " It’s a thing that happens to you."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time."
No, the ageing didn’t happen all at once, but the realization of ageing seemed to come all at once. There were little milestones and birthdays in my life that reminded me of my age, but somehow I hadn’t processed it. Maybe I hadn’t fully realized it because, for the most part, I have had a full and happy life.
Whatever the reason, this realization came in a moment – a defining moment; a moment that would change my mind, my thoughts and the very core of who I am. It came with such power that it almost knocked me off my feet and left me shaky and for a while, even weak. It caused me to lose interest in the present moment and think only of the future.
This moment came a few months after Jim’s (my husband) brother John died. It took that long to sink in. Experiencing death was no stranger to me. My parents have passed on, as well as Jim’s. Both of Jim’s sisters have passed on. I
I don’t know what made my reaction to John’s death so much more intense than the others, but I guess I will never know. Maybe it was just time to have this defining moment.
Jim is just 2 years younger that his brother, John. I began to both wonder and dread what would I do if/when Jim should pass away before me. (We are best friends and have had a long, happy marriage). This thought became stronger in my mind and soon paralyzed me, so that I was frozen in time. I was caught between “what if” and “when.” The other scenario was what if I go first; we would still be separated. These thoughts churned through my mind day and night. I couldn’t enjoy the present moment or time that I had with Jim now. It seemed like someone drew a line between John’s death and the rest of my life. It was really quite weird. (I don’t want you to misunderstand. John was like an older brother to me and there was no romantic involvement).
When I can look Life in the eyes,
Grown calm and very coldly wise,
Life will have given me the Truth,
And taken in exchange - my youth.
~Sara Teasdale
Gradually, I began to pull myself together and have confidence in myself. I realized that one couldn’t even visit the next moment in life or the present would be unimportant and dead.. The future is God’s business and his alone. I began to see that I am spiritually strong and no matter what happens, I can make it.
For some of you, this all may sound silly and immature and it probably was, but it is my story and I am writing from my heart.
I began to see some advantage in ageing and I now look on it as a “new season of life.”
I am not young anymore, but I am real.
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse, “It’ a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with but REALLY loves you, then you become real. Once you are real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
“Youth is the period in which a man can be hopeless. The end of every episode is the end of the world. But the power of hoping through everything, the knowledge that the soul survives its adventures, that great inspiration comes to the middle-aged.”
G. K. Chesterton quotes (English born Gabonese Critic, Essayist, Novelist and Poet, 1874-1936)
Source: The story of Skin Horse and Rabbit is from “ The Velveteen Rabbit” by Marjery Williams, For the complete story with pictures, please view: http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/williams/rabbit/rabbit.html
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Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)Ahhhh, The Velveteen Rabbit - one of my favorites! Great article, Fran.
Ok, I swear I gave you 5 stars - I don't know where one went!
Just the other day I was pondering age and remembered, that when I was eighteen I thought thirty was so old. Being a senior had never crossed my mind, until a few years ago. Maybe we all enter that realization through events, which you described as losing your brother-in-law.
Great article, for reflection on our own life events.
Many of us humans can be awoken by the death of a person and accept life as a come-and-go process eventually. no one can escape and I agree it's a reminder to tell us to treasure every moment of our life. I can see you are happy with Jim.
Sorry, why I can't see the STAR box to give you some ??
Thanks for sharing your story, Fran. Friday a long-time friend died and while we know we will see her again well and whole, she is just a couple years younger than us, so she shouldn't be dead. Weird logic, I know, but a death of someone close in age does weird things to the mind. We are getting to the age where this will happen more and more, being one of us someday. While I love the thought of Heaven I also love my life and family here. Hmmm...guess I may have to write this week!
Hi Fran.
A very touching and inspirational story! I really do try not to dwell on the what-ifs, but it's hard sometimes. I was relieved when I read: "Gradually, I began to pull myself together and have confidence in myself. I realized that one couldn’t even visit the next moment in life or the present would be unimportant and dead.. The future is God’s business and his alone. I began to see that I am spiritually strong and no matter what happens, I can make it." That's just what I wanted to tell you!
Hugs,
Dianne
I am finally getting read some of your articles, Fran. This reminded me what I felt like in the past few years. I think I really felt my pre-golden years as I when through so many hernia operations, it wore me out. The second to last one was hard to go at my age ... my thinking was different, a bit down at times. But, now I am repaired and healed properly, and thinking good about my age.
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