How To Help A Friend When They Have Lost Someone Through Death: My Personal Story
Posted: Monday, April 04, 2011
by Fran Larson
http://www.franniesquotes.com/
A friend of mine asked me to write an article about how to help friends who are grieving. I don’t pretend to be an expert in this matter, but can only share my story of how friendship helped me through this painful journey. So, here is my story.
At 3:00 a.m. the telephone rang. It seemed so loud and shrill and I instinctively knew this call would carry a message that would change my life forever.
“Your mother just passed away.”
Unable to go back to sleep, I went into the living room and covered with God’s merciful coat of shock, I let my mind drift back to the last few years. Jim and I had built our dream home earlier than we had planned after the death of my father. Due to the fact that Mother had health issues, it seemed like a good idea to invite her into our home. Our new home provided Mother a small, attached apartment, so that she could also have some privacy. The laundry room separated our part of the house with hers.
Our 4 daughters were aged 5 through 10, at the time of Mother’s death. I was in my early 30’s and although I had previously lost my Dad, 2 years prior, this was the straw that broke the camels back. I was definitely broken.
I did not shed a tear until it was time to take the casserole dishes back to friends who had graciously provided food for a gathering after the funeral. I often wondered (prior to this) why food would be such an important thing on a day like this, but now I see. This kindness is an act of pure love that says, “I wanted to do something to show you I care about you.” It also provides food for the guests when one really does not feel like cooking.
Here is the heart of my story: As I made myself go to the monthly Junior League Meeting, I connected with someone whose husband I went to high school with. As I was getting myself some coffee, we began to chat. I half-heartedly listened, not really caring about anything. Although I don’t recall, I must have mentioned that my Mother had died.
“I’ll come over next week,” she cheerily announced.
Indeed she did come over.
“I brought you some embroidery to do" She pulled a beautiful piece that she was embroidering out of a bag.
“We can sew while we talk.”
Indeed, we sewed and she talked. I barely said a word but every 2 or 3 days, she would come and she talked. I barely talked. My heart was so heavy and my mind filled with sorrow, it took my best to just be with someone, let alone talk. (I now remember my Mother would always have some kind of handwork to do. She once told me it calmed her).
“We have to go out to lunch. I know a great hamburger place.”
My appetite was practically non-existent, but nevertheless, every few days, we would go out for a hamburger or sandwich. Our youngest child (both of us ) had just begun first grade. Mostly, she would talk but I gradually began to open up.
I thought to myself, what does she really she in me, as a friend? I never talked much; don’t care about much of anything
Underneath it all, I was struggling so hard to get past the awful cloud of grief, so that I could be a good wife and mother.
Gradually, I began to smile. I started to have an appetite and looked forward to our “sewing days” and going for a hamburger. I would never forget this friend who seemed to come out of nowhere and appear in my grieving life. When I began to laugh and joke, we had so much fun and were alike in many ways.
In answer to my friend’s question on “What can I do to help when a friend loses someone through death?” I would answer, be like my friend in this story. Her name was/is Connie. I hope she is reading this.
Connie didn’t try to cheer me or “talk me out of my grief.” She was just there. Every few days, she appeared and just let me be me. I would say this:
1. Allow the person to grieve
2. Don’t stay away. Be there
3. Try to get your friend interested in an entirely different project (for me, it was embroidery)
4. Realize that even if your friend does not talk or seem responsive, you are still doing good by being patient and just being there.
I hope this little story of friendship helps.
For a more detailed story of my spiritual journey during this sad time, read:: /swa599477-Is-It-Better-To-Bend-So-You-Dont-Break-Will-You-Break-When-You-Experience-A.htm.
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Top-level comments on this article: (7 total)Fran , nice article. I do think it is really important to give someone time to grieve. Sometimes people initially need space and when one understands this it can only do good things.
Good article. Really friendship only helps sometimes. Thanks for story sharing with us.
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Nancy.
This is beautiful, Fran. I love all of your four points, but number two especially. "Don't stay away. Be there."
This was a beautiful story Fran. It amazes me when people come into your life for no apparent reason and end up being a God send. That's exactly what they are. We could all use a friend like your Connie. :)
Excellent advice. What a beautiful tale of true friendship. Thank you for sharing. You will bless many by doing so. Hugs! T
yes, and sometimes the best thing we can do (besides pray for that person and the family) is to hug them and simply cry with them and not say a word! Thanks for this good reminder.
I know how it feels to be supported when you lose someone. A friend of mine stayed by my side for at least a year after I lost my mother.
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