What To Do When Friends Are Facing Surgery And Possible Death: Can I Help Them?
Posted: Wednesday, April 14, 2010
by Fran Larson
http://www.franniesquotes.com/
Yesterday, my husband Jim and I visited a couple that was going through some trying times. He would be going through an 8-hour surgery next week because of cancer. If he didn’t have the surgery, he would only have six months to live. She has a chronic back problem that limits her mobility. He was in pain 24/7, but was on medication.
Then he and Jim wondered off in the beautiful sunshine for some guy talk. I was left alone with her. I apologized for not staying “in touch.” (In truth, sometimes we, as humans want to not think about the unthinkable – sickness and death, so it is more convenient to ignore it.) I offered to come stay with her during the 8-hour procedure, but she wanted to be alone. If he died during surgery, she didn’t know how she would react, but nevertheless, I could tell she wanted to be alone, while waiting. She would have her walker to get around at the hospital and would find things to do – maybe sit in the Chapel and get a bit to eat.
Then she began to talk about the death thing. He didn’t want to talk about it, except to say that if he should die, he didn’t want a funeral. She told him that for the sake of his children, he needed to have a service for closure. Neither of them had made plans for their funeral. I said that maybe they would feel better, if they made those plans. (Jim and I did that about a year ago).
It was time to leave. As much as my human heart wanted to help and make things better, I was aware that I couldn’t. I so wanted to come up with a magic formula that would guarantee he would make it through the surgery or a guarantee that the doctors would surely remove all of the cancer.
When he said he would like to live a few more years, I said I understood. Do I really understand what he is going through? Do I really understand that minute-by-minute is ticking by towards this surgery that doesn’t promise anything except possible death? Do I understand that every breath he takes (or any of us) is numbered? Do I understand that he doesn’t want to leave his wife alone?
I hugged them both. I made my way to the car. My heart was heavy. I felt so helpless.
Then something happened.
I knew finally that I could help them. I left the matter entirely into God’s loving arms. He will know what to do. He will know what to say. He will give them comfort as only he can.
I'm leaving you with a gift: peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So, don't be troubled or afraid . (John 14:27)
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Hi Fran,Thought provoking article. With many elderly individuals in my congregation I have had to deal with numerous situations similar to the one you just shared. I know it can seem rather odd and difficult at times. However, I have discovered that with the vast majority of people, they just want to be treated just like they have always been treated. They want to know they are loved. They want to laugh. They want to share good memories and hope for the future... however long that future might be.I trust the Lord used you to minister to their needs. Be reassured that in our weakness He is made strong.God bless you,MarkThanks, Mark. I hope we did help some, but I know God can comfort. At least, they know we care about them.
Beautifully put, Fran. I hope and pray that they both are saved and know our Jesus in a most intimate way. That is totally the most important thing they can have "settled" before this surgery, eh? You were being there to help and hold them in this time of pressure and pain.Yes, the most important thing is their salvation right now. However, I do hope and pray that he makes it through the surgery.
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