Fran Larson

How To Apologize: Is There A Right Way? Finding The Right Words To Make Things Right Again


Posted: Friday, February 05, 2010

by Fran Larson
http://www.franniesquotes.com/

When I was a teen, my Dad came in my bedroom to say goodnight. He had a tear in his eye, though I pretended not to see it.

"I'm so sorry", he said. My boyfriend had "dumped?" me and my Dad was apologizing to me. How ironic is that? I guess my Dad felt that I had been wronged and someone needed to apologize. (Apologize- an expression of regret at having caused trouble for someone – Google)

I am always taken aback when someone does or says something that hurts others and never apologizes. On the other side of the fence are those who believe that an apology is not necessary. They may even say it is a sign of weakness.

However, in my book, an apology is necessary. A relationship needs constant communication or it will break down. If I don't think someone is regretful for causing me pain, however small, I would question to authenticity of our relationship.

Having said all of that, how do you apologize? Is there a right and wrong way?


 

1. Apologize in person, if possible.
An e-mail or telephone call tells me that you can't or don't want to face me. Anyone can sit down at the computer and shoot off an e-mail, then sigh with relief. Sending an e-mail is just too easy and convenient. It minimizes what you have done. Realize that even though this apologizing in person may be uncomfortable, it will be more uncomfortable if the air does not clear. Also, consider the person that you have wronged. If you do not apologize in person, it seems that the apology is not important to you.

Of course, it goes without saying, if it is impossible to apologize in person, then you have to go with an e-mail or telephone call.

2. Don't explain "why' you said or did what you did.
So you start off my saying, "sorry I did or said_______, but I was stressed, tired, didn't understand, etc. The minute you add this little explanation about "why," you have just canceled out the sincerity of your apology. In fact, it is not an apology, if you add this "why." Maybe someday you could explain the circumstance, but while you are apologizing is not the right time for this. If anything, make the person you have offended know that there is no excuse (stress, etc) for your mistake.

3. You may want to soften your apology with a gift.
We've all heard the jokes about someone (usually a male) apologizing with flowers or candy. That really is not a bad idea, depending upon how badly you have hurt this person. A gift doesn't have to be expensive. It could be a trinket or something you have made. A gift will just go one step further to convey your heart-felt feelings or regret and the fact that you care about his/her feelings.

"An apology unfelt is no better than the original wrongful deed." Byron Pulsifer

Love means you never have to say you're sorry was voiced by Ryan O'Neal's character Oliver Barrett IV as a tribute to Jennifer (ali MacGraw). The line was actually misspoken from the script. Originally the line was supposed to be: "Love means not ever having to say you're sorry." (Wiki.com)

I totally disagree with this line "Love means never having to say you're sorry." I also think this line has influenced some people to the point of believing an apology is not necessary. You may slide by without it and be forgiven, but if you do not apologize, I would question your feelings about the person you offended.

In a later movie (1972), Ryan O'Neal starred in "What's Up doc?" Barbara Streisand's character said, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." Ryan O'Neal's character answered, "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard."

John Lennon said, "Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes
Francine Larson:

Co-Author of Character Keys to a Bright Future.

She is a freelance writer

See more articles by Francine Larson at:http://www.examiner.com/modern-love-in-tampa-bay/francine-larson

She also writes for The Highlands at Scotland Yards. She writes poetry and short stories. She is a contributor for Yahoo (http://contributor.yahoo.com/user/685738/francine_larson.html)

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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)
» left by Joyce Dunn
 2 years 77 days ago.
33 fans.
Excellent article, Fran. I never got the 'love means never having to say you're sorry' either.
 
I notice you seem to be writing more these days, and it shows in the improvement of your writing. :) Keep it up.
» left by Ravi Dev Chauhan
 2 years 75 days ago.
9 fans.
 
John Lennon said, "Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes"
 
Agreed with that Fran !
 
And your article is really good and gave me quite a few ideas regarding the whole process !
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