How To Know When A Friendship Is Toxic: Do You Feel Used, Unhappy and Under The Gun?
Posted: Thursday, January 28, 2010
by Fran Larson
http://www.franniesquotes.com/
You thought this someone was your best friend. You do everything together; talk on the telephone every day and text when something happens that you want to share. You thank God for this person because your life is filled with fun, joy and excitement. Maybe you have even become friends as "couples" (with your boyfriend, partner or spouse).
Maybe it is time to evaluate your friendship. Perhaps you have "outgrown" this relationship or maybe something happened that was a "defining moment" for you. If you are having pangs of doubt about a friendship, whether it is long-term or short, ask yourself a few questions that will most likely determine if it is time to move on.
Here is my own personal formula that I would like to share with you. It is the 3 U's.
1. Do you feel used?
My husband Jim and I had a "couples" friendship a few years ago. We did everything together from shopping to boating. The guys would go out on Jim's boat go fishing, then that night Jim and I would invite them over for a fish fry. I cautioned them to be on time, as fried fish is not good cold (they had a tendency to "run late" but I always excused them). Sure enough, they were late. I found myself making excuses for them and let it slide. When I gave my super bowl party they were 2 hours late. That certainly was a "defining moment" for me.
You prepare a meal or plan to meet somewhere and he/she is late. You notice that this friend is becoming (or has been) totally unreliable. He/She cancels dates with you that you were really looking forward to. You get the feeling that something "better" has come up. You notice everything you are doing is for his/her convenience. In short, you feel used you know the feeling.
2. Do you fell unhappy?
Do you notice that your friend puts you in a bad mood, is irritating and all of a sudden you don't even have the same interests.
It could be that you have outgrown this friendship. Your interests have changed and you have moved on to other things.
Have you ever gone to a high school reunion and felt that some people had not changed at all. They still have the same attitude, thoughts ideas as high school. They were literally "stuck in time/?" As we grow older, it should be a natural progression that our interests and ideas change as we take on responsibilities of families and careers.
Don' be "stuck" in time. Remember the movie, "Peggy Sue Got Married?" She wanted so badly to go back in time, but found out that she was a different person. I challenge you to "browse" through time and not stop or get stuck.
3. Do you feel "under the gun" frequently?
Do you feel that you have to do certain things or your friend (s) will be angry with you? Maybe you do not have any interest in camping or concerts and this friend keeps pressuring you to do these things. You try to comply and soon you are not doing any of the things that make you happy.
The friend that I spoke about earlier not only discouraged me from my desire to write but also didn't ever read anything that I wrote or show any little spark of happiness in my pursuit.
If this is happening, maybe you need to move on. The greatest gift a friend could give you is to allow you to be your spiritual self. More forward in your dreams, even if it means leaving a so-called friendship behind.
William Ellery Channing (1829) once said: There are seasons, in human affairs, when new depths seem to be broken up in the soul, when new wants are unfolded in multitudes, and a new and undefined good is thirsted for. There are periods when to dare, is the highest wisdom.
In conclusion, I would like to say that a real friendship should enhance your life and make you feel good about yourself. If that is not happening, you may be better to move on, even though it is painful.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.-- Anonymous
This Article has been viewed 364 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Excellent writing! The author knows how to be a good friend!
Hi Fran.You've hit the nail right on the head, at least from my experience. And ending such a relationship can be painful as I well know, but well worth it in the end.You put it all very succinctly and very well. Great job!Dianne
Hi Fran- I've been scanning some of your past articles, and have realized the truth of what I only suspected- You are an extremely wise and enlightened woman. Your writing shows this- I can't choose one as my favorite- I liked so many of them. I think SW should have a page that displays past articles- like page 3 or something... many of these should be re-published. Thanks- Always- Ella
Totally agreed with what you said, Fran.At times, I would think, at this age, I can't choose to build any closer or deeper friendship among people that I know or once knew. Yes, I still maintain good friendship with few ex schoolmates ( one of my articles about them ) sweetly. One thing is : we can choose what friendship we want. I allow myself to do that so I don't get tangled in unnecessary complication.
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.